Baby Jake Update

This is one of those days when I just am trying to be strong for everyone around me but inside I feel like I'm falling apart, and really there isn't any big explanation for it. I had just gotten off the phone with Ashley (Jake's nurse) today and I walked into the store when one person walks up to see how I'm doing and I burst into tears! I think mostly I am just exhausted. Physically, emotionally, mentally exhausted. I am trying to be in a million places and get caught up on a million things all at once and all the while stopping every 2 hours to pump. (I had this goal to make home made real nice thank you cards for all of you who have helped us out so much and as the weeks have gone by I am realizing that they are not getting done, and I feel awful about it, so I apologize for everyone who deserves a card and has not yet received one.) I don't have quality time with any of my kids, and trying to stay up to date and in contact with all the nurses and doctors at all times is extremely important so that we know what is going on, especially on days when neither of us can be there with him, but at the same token it is taking a toll on how much I can handle. And I seem to catch myself taking it out on everyone around me, especially my perfect kids that I love more than anything. I come home every week to be with and see Cayden and then I am so stressed out the whole day and have a list a mile long that I can't enjoy it at all. It's just seems worse on Jake's bad days like today.

Jake isn't having a great day. He was given some steroids last week that greatly improved his condition and everyone was real excited to see what progress he had made. Since the steroids have now wore off he has regressed back to the sick stage he was at before. For me, this has been horrible terrible news that has greatly affected my entire day. But when talking to the doctors tonight, they told me that this was not unexpected, and that they are just glad that the steroid did show them that it IS possible for Jake's lungs to improve. The problem with this steroid is that being on steroids at such a little size can cause neurological damage and also some intestinal problems. Therefore we can not give him the steroid for another week or so, and we just have to sit and wait for him to get a bit bigger and more mature. Other than that, his milk feedings were temporarily stopped to rule out any infection, or implication that the tummy was affecting the lungs, and now they have been ruled out so his feedings have continued which is always good news. He is receiving 3 ml every 3 hours. 5 ml is a teaspoon so 3 is not even close to a lot but it is better than nothing.

A good thing that happened today is that Merri Lynn showed me that I can get comments on here. I have always just had barely enough time to post a comment and then run back home to be with Brookie, I never took a second to notice that i can actually receive comments from people. I was able to sit down today and read what everyone has been writing.

You can not believe how grateful I am for everyone's support and love through this time. Support from people I don't even know but that give me hope that we can conquer this, and that we will eventually be okay. I feel like my life, that was once (for those who know me) perfectly scheduled out every single day and that I was in complete control of, has now been turned upside down on it's head and I can't control any of it. This has not been easy for me. I feel as though some days I am drowning and I have to fight to keep it together for my family. I can't even hold my little baby and he is almost 6 weeks old, and today they are telling me that the thought of holding him is even further away. I just don't know if I am strong enough for this sometimes. I know that the Lord doesn't give us any trial that we are not strong enough for, but I feel like I am needing some extra boosts. It's hard for me because I am not one to admit to defeat, so when asked how I am doing I like to put on a happy face and show that I am strong and I can get through this... but on days when Jake is sick like today, I feel so sick inside and I feel like I am mostly trying to convince myself that he will make it.

I know Jake is strong!!! Stronger than I will ever be and I know he has a reason for being here. I can't wait to see what he can do as he gets older, but for now I guess we just wait.