I’m doing pretty good.
Everyone keeps asking how I’m doing. I’m not going to lie to you all, this sucks! and is extremely hard. I am struggling with an overwhelming feeling of guilt and responsibility. I have been told by people at the hospital that what I'm feeling is normal. I know that I did nothing to cause my high blood pressure and I know that it could happen to anybody... but I also know that it is MY body that did this to him. If he was in someone else's stomach he would be just fine. So Yes I am struggling with some guilt especially on days when he isn't doing as good as today. I know that if I am not able to work it out of my system that there are people I can talk to, and I am up for that, but I also feel like I am coping pretty well considering the circumstance so I might be OK in the end.
I feel like I am never in the right place. I feel guilty leaving Brooklyn with friends every morning and night. But if I don’t get to the hospital to be with Jake, then I feel guilty for not being with him. And I can’t even see Cayden Tuesday through Friday, so I always feel guilty about not being with him. I think he understands why I’m here, but what if he doesn’t? What if deep down inside he feels like I have left him, or he feels that he is not as important as my other two kids. I hope when all this is over our family is able to get back to normal; which is super busy but together!
I am feeling ok as far as my physical health. A bit tired sometimes because of all the stress, anxiety, and just the emotional roller coaster that I’m on; and it doesn’t help that I have to pump 8-9 times a day and that pumping sometimes interferes with my good night’s rest! I am happy to say that I am now off all of my medications for high blood pressure. I hope to not have to worry about high blood pressure ever again. That was scary!
So for me, I’m feeling overall good. I will have to admit Pepsi is a MUST staple in my diet right now, but the nurses have all said, “Go for it!!!”
My body is slowly getting back to normal. Normally when you have a baby you lose a bit of weight right after the birth because of the baby. Sadly when your baby is only 15 ounces, you don’t lose that much weight. Luckily I was much better with this pregnancy and didn’t gain as much weight either. Hopefully within a couple weeks I will fit in my normal pants. It would help if I was allowed to exercise, but in all honestly, I don’t know when I would even fit that into my crazy schedule.
I do plan on dancing in the spring performance. I have been having fun with dance all year and so I have decided to set this goal to get back on stage and have fun with it! I don’t think it is healthy to completely stop living my life because of what has happened. In all honesty, I know that I need to visit Jake as much as possible, even though there really isn’t much I can do with him other than change his diaper and take his temperature. I am excited every time I get to be with him, but even the doctors told me that I need to take one day off each week to refuel my energy tank. This is A LOT to handle and A LOT of stress comes with Jake being so little, so I think dance is a great way to relieve some of the stress and I love the music. Music has been very therapeutic the past few weeks. So just cross your fingers that I don’t totally screw up the dances or the ladies dancing around me!
