The devastating news
There is nothing that can ever prepare you for the devastating news that the baby you have tried for so long to have is most likely going to die and that there is nothing you had done to cause it but there also nothing you can do to save him either. That is what Rory and I we’re told on our first visit to the Maternal Fetal Medicine department of Utah Valley Regional Hospital. We were told to pray for a miracle but to plan for a funeral. They had the evidence to back up their theory that Jake had a Genetic Disorder that was preventing him from growing, and that had also caused him to have four other problems not normally found in an ultrasound at that time of gestation. They also tested me in every way and all those tests came back normal including my blood pressure. And since I had previously given birth to two healthy babies I was pretty much ruled out as the problem.
We were then sent to a genetic counselor that would try to find something in our history that could explain why this had happened; they even asked us if we could be related! Then we were asked if we would like to perform an amniocentesis, so that we could better know what genetic problem had occurred. We decided that waiting another day would be torture for everyone and that the risks of the amniocentesis didn’t out way the heartache we would feel by not knowing his condition. So we went through with the test. After all of the procedures and all of this information had been given to us, we met with Dr. Gerday, the Neonatologist, who was able to give us slightly better ratios of him living, but only if this amniocentesis came back normal.
You can imagine the car ride home from the hospital that day. A look of total shock and horror painted across Rory’s and my face. We thought we were going in to learn of why Jake wasn’t growing and how we could fix it, not to hear that we might never bring our little baby home. Rory tried to show how strong he was, but the first thing he did as we’re pulling out of the parking lot was drive over a curb that was clearly marked. He blamed it on the van but had a harder time finding an excuse for almost getting us lost by turning on some unknown roads that we had never driven on before. I could tell that he was more upset than he was showing.
The Painful week ahead
That Tuesday night and the upcoming days were the most upsetting days of my life. Thoughts of pure anger, hurt, depression, loneliness, helplessness and despair kept rolling through my mind like an ongoing marquee sign you see on the side of the road. Just as I would clear my thoughts long enough to wipe away the tears, another devastating image or thought would roll on through and I found myself wallowing in self pity and anger once again. Thoughts of ‘Why us?’, ‘What did we do to deserve this?’, ‘We’re not strong enough for this!’, ‘Cayden and Brooklyn deserve a baby brother’, and a million other hurtful messages kept coming up in my head. Worst of all were my darkest moments of feeling like the Lord had let me down after all that I done for him. To feel these feelings, and try to explain them to others was the hardest part because deep down I know I could never be mad at the Lord, my testimony is stronger than that, and I felt angry at myself for even doubting my testimony for a second. I know that the Lord loves me and my family and that he would never give us something that we couldn’t handle. I also know that some of the Lords most Perfect and Chosen children come in bodies that aren’t best suited for this earth life. For a few seconds in the most disparaging moments my testimony wouldn’t feel like enough to get me through this, but when all was said and done at the end of the night and many, many, many times throughout every day I found myself praying and begging to the Lord for answers and comfort to get through this time. Rory and I found comfort in the Temple, also in the company of loved ones and friends, and in the blessings the baby and I had received. We are so grateful to have friends and family that at the drop of the hat would come to help give and be a part of these blessings. Thanks to all those that did. They really helped me to find comfort in this time of pain.
The Amiocentesis Results are NORMAL!
The thoughts and prayers from friends and family was what really held me up through the week and gave me the strength to still be a mom to the two I had and wait to hear the results from the amnio. The results came on Friday afternoon. Normal!!! The results came back negative for every condition it tested for. This was a huge surprise to us, but I think an even bigger surprise to the doctors at the hospital. This was the first time I heard a sound of optimism come from the voice of the doctor delivering the message to me. Her voice went from sorrowful on Tuesday to uplifting and even happiness on Friday. It was at this point that a smile rolled across my face for the first time this week. I thought that we might actually get to live with and love this baby in our home. We knew that there would probably be some major issues like Cystic Fibrosis and other abnormalities that we would have to deal with or overcome but we were ready for the journey. Then Monday, the Cystic Fibrosis test came back negative as well!!! Tests kept coming back better than expected and the doctors really seemed amazed at all of the results.
The doctor said that I was still high risk for a miscarriage and still-birth due to my two vessel cord, and that in order the prevent a miscarriage I would be moving into the hospital on the upcoming Tuesday for the remainder of my pregnancy which could be anywhere from 1 week to 8 weeks. I was upset at the thought of leaving Cayden and Brooke for so long but knew it was in the best interest of Jake, and that I might be saving his life, so the choice was fairly easy to move to the hospital.
