Tuesday March 15 - Friday March 18

Moving-in day

On moving-in day the doctors did some major blood work on me and could find nothing that would suggest that my body was to blame for all of this. They did see some upsetting evidence that the umbilical cord had depreciated in the span of one week and I was warned that the cord would not be able to support Jake for much longer, but that at this time, his heart beat sounded good and that we would just watch and wait. I unpacked my stuff into my “penthouse suite (Jetted tub and all)” and got to know my nurses pretty well. It was my first night there that they noticed a slight spike in my blood pressure but it wasn’t for long so they decided to just check it every hour.  

Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday just rolled on by and I was feeling fine. The doctors wanted to test everything so I was being poked and prodded by I think every needle in the hospital and by the time Thursday night came around my right arm veins had all collapsed and they were now poking into both wrists and knuckles on the top of my hands. But I felt fine. Karen came by Thursday night and brought me some Pepsi and French Fries that I had ordered and we had a good visit, nothing out of the norm. That night the nurses agreed that I hadn’t gotten a good night sleep yet and they thought that might be affecting my blood pressure a bit because it was starting to run a bit higher than usual, so they took all the monitors off of me and Jake and told me to get a good night’s rest. Then I went to bed! Thursday night and Friday morning would be the worst and best morning of my life. I will explain in a bit!

What felt like Heartburn…

                1:30am: I woke up with the worse case of heartburn. Naturally I thought it was from the pepsi and fries I had enjoyed the night before and I asked the nurse for some tums, which she gladly gave me. She took my temperature and blood pressure while she was there and saw that it was a bit high but not that bad. She told me the tums would work in about 15 minutes and to try to get some sleep.

                2:30am: I am still lying there with a major pain in my chest from this dumb heartburn (I thought). The nurses have been in and out checking this and that and trying to make me comfortable, but nothing I thought was going to take that pain away.

                4:00am: The doctor is called and shows up to test my blood pressure again, only to find that it is now in the 90s and that it has been on a slow incline for the past 3 hours. He orders some lab work to be done and also some morphine to calm me down and take away the pain that is now moving up my chest and down my right arm. I am just now getting scared that this isn’t heartburn, but thoughts of a heart attack were in my head because of the arm pain.

                5:00am: The lab guy gets there but can’t draw any blood in my right arm. After 3 tries he still couldn’t find a vein. He went through both hands and wrists before he finally gave up and took blood from my IV that was his last choice and last option. He rushed the blood to the lab and it was at about 5:45 when we had our first test all week come back bad. My Liver was shutting down. Also my Platelet’s we declining from over 100,000 the day before; they were now down to 17,000 and falling.

                7:00am: I’m told to call Rory and tell him we might be delivering today but that we were going to have an ultrasound first. I still had no idea how serious this whole situation was, so I told Rory not to worry, to go to work, and that I would call him if anything changed!

                7:45am: I am wheeled in for my ultrasound. The Parenatologist takes one second to stick the ultrasound thing on my tummy, he looks straight at the computer, and back at the nurse and tells her to go scrub in and that was when I really started to get scared. I knew Jake was less than a pound and that he probably wouldn’t survive being born this early. It was at this time they told me my life was in danger and that the placenta was rupturing. I was told that at the risk of losing the baby they were going to have to deliver him to save my life! No Mother wants to hear that she is the reason her baby is going to die. I couldn’t believe this. I never could have made this decision if it hadn’t been for my testimony of the gospel. The knowledge I have that Jake and I would be reunited one day, and that he would be in a perfect state was the only thing that kept going through my jumbled up brain.

                It was at this point that the Doctors could see that I was starting to have seizures, or that I was about to have seizures so they started me Magnesium.  Rory claims that he now knows what I would be like as a crack addict because I was so drugged up and loopy for 2 days being on this stuff you wouldn’t believe how crappy and sick it made me feel. I would close my eyes for what felt like an hour long nap, and then open them and only one minute would have gone past the clock. Anyway, magnesium might have saved my life but I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone!!!

                9:00ish: I don’t remember calling Rory and my mom, but apparently I called them and told them to come immediately and that we were having the baby. I got my epidural by myself and prepped for the C-Section.

10:00: My mom got there first and says she has no memory of driving there and has no idea how she got there so fast. I think it was a blur for everyone.  My dad made it there next and I guess the doctors waited as long as possible for Rory to get there because they were wheeling me out of the prep room and down the hall when Rory ran up. I remember hearing, “Are you the dad?” They tossed the scrubs and booties at him and told him to get changed.

10:41: Baby Jake is born. ZERO pounds 15 ounces! Zero pounds. We couldn’t believe it. The doctors quickly rushed Jake away and I remember telling Rory to go be with him. That’s about all I remember. I was cleaned up from the surgery and I remember going into the NICU so that Jake could receive a blessing from Rory and Grant. I couldn’t see much while lying flat on my back but I was able to touch his toes with my finger and then they took me to my room to get some rest. Jake received an 8 on the baby Apgar test which immediately surprised every doctor there, (which there were a ton), and he looked far better than anyone ever thought he would as well. His head wasn’t as mis-shapen as they thought, there was a small hole in his heart, but it seemed fairly normal size for his gestational age. We knew that we had many challenges coming in the upcoming days and weeks and hopefully months and years, but we were up for the challenge.

The day March 18^th 2011 was theworst day because Rory and I had to choose my life ver our babies, but it was the best day because our little Jake was born and looked as good as a 15 ounce baby could look.

March 8th marked the beginning of the biggest change in our life

The devastating news

There is nothing that can ever prepare you for the devastating news that the baby you have tried for so long to have is most likely going to die and that there is nothing you had done to cause it but there also nothing you can do to save him either. That is what Rory and I we’re told on our first visit to the Maternal Fetal Medicine department of Utah Valley Regional Hospital. We were told to pray for a miracle but to plan for a funeral. They had the evidence to back up their theory that Jake had a Genetic Disorder that was preventing him from growing, and that had also caused him to have four other problems not normally found in an ultrasound at that time of gestation. They also tested me in every way and all those tests came back normal including my blood pressure. And since I had previously given birth to two healthy babies I was pretty much ruled out as the problem.

We were then sent to a genetic counselor that would try to find something in our history that could explain why this had happened; they even asked us if we could be related! Then we were asked if we would like to perform an amniocentesis, so that we could better know what genetic problem had occurred. We decided that waiting another day would be torture for everyone and that the risks of the amniocentesis didn’t out way the heartache we would feel by not knowing his condition. So we went through with the test. After all of the procedures and all of this information had been given to us, we met with Dr. Gerday, the Neonatologist, who was able to give us slightly better ratios of him living, but only if this amniocentesis came back normal.

                You can imagine the car ride home from the hospital that day. A look of total shock and horror painted across Rory’s and my face. We thought we were going in to learn of why Jake wasn’t growing and how we could fix it, not to hear that we might never bring our little baby home. Rory tried to show how strong he was, but the first thing he did as we’re pulling out of the parking lot was drive over a curb that was clearly marked. He blamed it on the van but had a harder time finding an excuse for almost getting us lost by turning on some unknown roads that we had never driven on before. I could tell that he was more upset than he was showing.

The Painful week ahead

                That Tuesday night and the upcoming days were the most upsetting days of my life. Thoughts of pure anger, hurt, depression, loneliness, helplessness and despair kept rolling through my mind like an ongoing marquee sign you see on the side of the road. Just as I would clear my thoughts long enough to wipe away the tears, another devastating image or thought would roll on through and I found myself wallowing in self pity and anger once again. Thoughts of ‘Why us?’, ‘What did we do to deserve this?’, ‘We’re not strong enough for this!’, ‘Cayden and Brooklyn deserve a baby brother’, and a million other hurtful messages kept coming up in my head. Worst of all were my darkest moments of feeling like the Lord had let me down after all that I done for him. To feel these feelings, and try to explain them to others was the hardest part because deep down I know I could never be mad at the Lord, my testimony is stronger than that, and I felt angry at myself for even doubting my testimony for a second. I know that the Lord loves me and my family and that he would never give us something that we couldn’t handle. I also know that some of the Lords most Perfect and Chosen children come in bodies that aren’t best suited for this earth life. For a few seconds in the most disparaging moments my testimony wouldn’t feel like enough to get me through this, but when all was said and done at the end of the night and many, many, many times throughout every day I found myself praying and begging to the Lord for answers and comfort to get through this time. Rory and I found comfort in the Temple, also in the company of loved ones and friends, and in the blessings the baby and I had received. We are so grateful to have friends and family that at the drop of the hat would come to help give and be a part of these blessings. Thanks to all those that did. They really helped me to find comfort in this time of pain.

The Amiocentesis Results are NORMAL!

The thoughts and prayers from friends and family was what really held me up through the week and gave me the strength to still be a mom to the two I had and wait to hear the results from the amnio. The results came on Friday afternoon. Normal!!! The results came back negative for every condition it tested for. This was a huge surprise to us, but I think an even bigger surprise to the doctors at the hospital. This was the first time I heard a sound of optimism come from the voice of the doctor delivering the message to me. Her voice went from sorrowful on Tuesday to uplifting and even happiness on Friday. It was at this point that a smile rolled across my face for the first time this week. I thought that we might actually get to live with and love this baby in our home. We knew that there would probably be some major issues like Cystic Fibrosis and other abnormalities that we would have to deal with or overcome but we were ready for the journey. Then Monday, the Cystic Fibrosis test came back negative as well!!! Tests kept coming back better than expected and the doctors really seemed amazed at all of the results.

The doctor said that I was still high risk for a miscarriage and still-birth due to my two vessel cord, and that in order the prevent a miscarriage I would be moving into the hospital on the upcoming Tuesday for the remainder of my pregnancy which could be anywhere from 1 week to 8 weeks. I was upset at the thought of leaving Cayden and Brooke for so long but knew it was in the best interest of Jake, and that I might be saving his life, so the choice was fairly easy to move to the hospital.